Writings worth reading

If you’re looking for some quick and inspirational reading during this difficult time of confinement, this column I wrote 10 years ago points to several of my favorites. It wasn’t included in either of my books, so I hope you enjoy it now.

Keep in mind the names Adair Lara, Kent Keith and Mary Schmich. They are writers whose writings are worth reading.

If you’re like me and enjoy reading, you likely have a list of favorite books or articles. They are the stories you can’t forget. They are special memories.

What often happens, however, is that the authors of some articles are far more obscure than the articles. And worse, the work is sometimes credited to someone who didn’t write it. Or not credited at all.

That has become far more common since the explosion of the internet. People read an article, like it and pass it along to friends by way of email or blogs. And if they don’t know who wrote it, they simply attribute it to “source unknown” or “anonymous.”

Of course there are copyright laws, and as a newspaper editor, I value those laws. So I encourage you to obey them and give credit where credit is due.

For those copyright reasons, I can’t print complete copies of some of my favorite articles or columns that were written by people not employed by the Reading Eagle. But I can send you to online sites where you can read them.

I assure you they’re worth taking the time.

One of my favorites was a column headlined, “When Children Turn Into Cats.” It was written by Adair Lara, a columnist for the San Francisco Chronicle, in 1996.

I first read the article when it was reprinted in a magazine, and I still have that clipping. It was especially interesting at the time because my wife and I were still raising teenagers.

Lara’s take was that “while children are dogs, loyal and affectionate, teenagers are cats.” Her comparison is pretty sound:

“It’s so easy to be the owner of a dog. You feed it, train it, boss it around and it puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. … Then, one day around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor.”

Take the time to follow the link to her column. It has a happy ending. You can find it at https://www.sfgate.com/entertainment/article/ADAIR-LARA-When-Children-Turn-Into-Cats-2988639.php by Googling “When Children Turn Into Cats.”

There are two other excellent articles you may have read or heard about because they have been making their way around the internet for years — often with inaccurate attribution.

“The Paradoxical Commandments,” often referred to as “Anyway,” begin:

“People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.

“If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.”

You may have seen them attributed to Mother Teresa. In fact, they were written in 1968 by Dr. Kent M. Keith when he was 19 and a sophomore at Harvard. They were part of a booklet for high school student leaders, “The Silent Revolution: Dynamic Leadership in the Student Council.”

You can read about The Paradoxical Commandments and Dr. Keith at www.paradoxicalcommandments.com

Perhaps one of the most famous wrongly attributed articles was “Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young.” You probably know it better as “Wear Sunscreen.” It made its rounds on the internet incorrectly credited as a commencement speech by Kurt Vonnegut at MIT in 1997.

It begins:

“Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who’d rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there’s no reason we can’t entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates.

“I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt. Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’97:

“Wear sunscreen.”

It actually was a column by Mary Schmich of the Chicago Tribune and was first published June 1, 1997. You can read it at https://www.chicagotribune.com/columns/chi-schmich-sunscreen-column-column.html or Google “Mary Schmich wear sunscreen.”

All three are great articles, worth reading and worth keeping. But they also are worth crediting properly. So thanks to Adair Lara, Kent Keith and Mary Schmich.

How are you? A great question if you mean it

I hope this worldwide health crisis will give a new emphasis and meaning to a question many of us often ask without really expecting an answer: “How are you?”

Our real concern about others in recent months has us asking about their health and well-being. In this difficult time of social distancing – and especially when the restrictions caused by the coronavirus pandemic have been eased – if you’re going to ask how someone is doing, really mean it. And then expect and pay attention to a genuine answer.

Here is a column I wrote nine years ago, when “How are you?” was a substitute for “Hello” for too many people.

The exchange goes much like this:

“Hello.”

Hi.

“How’re you doing?”

Fine. How are you?

“Fine.”

Perhaps it should continue:

That’s good.

“That’s good that it’s good.”

Etc.

It’s all with good intentions. But that sample conversation is among my pet peeves.

Many times, that exchange takes place when people are passing each other, sometimes without stopping. Sometimes it takes place without the thought of what is being said, or without even an interest.

If you’re going to ask that question — How are you? — do it because you want to know and are willing to wait for an honest answer.

Don’t ask it in passing or while looking away. If you ask the question, stop and expect a real answer. Otherwise, just stop at hello.

A woman who used to work for our company always would ask how I was doing when we would meet. Because she is a sweet person and someone with a good sense of humor, one time I responded to her question with a question: Do you really want to know?

And she genuinely did.

I explained to her my annoyance with people asking how someone is doing but not really wanting to know the answer. After that, “How’re you doing?” always was accompanied by an exchange of smiles and sometimes with genuine answers.

Don’t misunderstand: I think it’s great when people are interested in how others are feeling or how their day is going. But the question shouldn’t be a passing greeting.

I enjoyed the beer company commercial that aired a few years ago. An out-of-towner walks into a bar, and the others there greet him in a New Jersey accent, “How you doin’?” And much to their amazement, he responds, “Well thanks for askin’. I’m doin’ fine. Just got in today, my brother-in-law picked me up at the airport. …”

It was amusing because of their reaction to his answer. But also because it was so real. We can see ourselves in that conversation and the surprise that someone would actually answer a question from which we didn’t expect an answer.

The sad part is, it’s a breakdown in our society. We want to give the impression we’re interested, even if that’s not entirely true.

So the exchange becomes so rote that it’s tiring. We go through the motions.

The fault isn’t just with the person asking the disinterested question. It’s also with the person who answers.

Many times, we don’t want to burden others with our problems or concerns. So, “fine” is a safe answer. They don’t really need to know that I’m having a bad day, that I’m in pain or just had an argument with someone.

Although it’s not related to this subject, I’m reminded of a line Rod McKuen wrote in a poem “The Art of Catching Trains”: “Everybody has the answers or they’ll make them up for you. Just once I’d like to hear a brand-new question.”

I’d like to hear a question such as, “How is your day going? — I’m really interested.”

And then I’d like to hear a real answer.

So don’t stop asking the question, “How’re you doing?” When you ask it, mean it.

Learning and remembering lessons of life

      I originally shared this column in 2014 during a difficult time in my life. Much of it seems appropriate to share again in this difficult time for most of us.

I remember hearing someone say, “I learn something every day and will till the day I die.” Since I can’t remember where or when, it must have been one of those times when I was talking to myself. My wife says I do that. Even if she is correct — and I’m not saying she’s not — I certainly never answer myself. But I do listen to what I say, even if no one else does.

Besides, I truly believe that statement.

Anyway, here are a few things I have learned or been reminded of in the past few weeks. It really doesn’t matter how I classify them, because if I needed to be reminded, I probably should have learned them better in the first place.

Doctors really care about the patients they treat. Most aren’t driven by money. They work long hours under a lot of expectations and stress. Many take the time to explain things over and over until patients and family members with no medical background can understand.

Nurses are unsung heroes. They care for people around the clock, and most do it with a smile. Even though it may not be good for them to get attached to those they treat, many can’t avoid it. That’s because they care. It’s easy to see. They are forgiving when patients are in pain and sometimes don’t show appreciation or get very angry. They are patient when patients hit the call button frequently. They help to maintain dignity for people who are placed in undignified or embarrassing situations.

Family members are the most important people in our lives. Regardless of how much they get annoyed with each other, when there are problems, most of them come together to assist and support.

There is no substitute for the power of prayer. Whether it’s a small group of family members or 5,000 Bernardine Franciscan nuns who spread the word, it makes a difference.

I’m not in charge. There are things out of my control. Sometimes when I am willing to accept that, things improve. Sometimes they don’t. That’s a test of my faith.

Things happen that we don’t always understand. That’s just a part of life.

Hard times in life are experiences that can make us stronger. How we handle them often serves as an example for others. We may not even know who is impacted by what we do, but our approach definitely makes a difference in a positive or negative way. So, even though it’s often difficult, I try to choose positive.

It’s amazing how far we can push ourselves when we want to or have to. Eventually, however, it catches up. That’s when we need the family members mentioned earlier.

Crises tend to cause us to review and reorder our priorities. It’s unfortunate it takes a crisis.

When you need help or support, you need to tell people or ask for it. They can’t understand or help if they aren’t aware.

Never give up hope. Sometimes when things look the darkest, new light shines. And giving up hope admits defeat before it occurs.

Technology can be a wonderful thing. It helps us to stay connected. It helps us to communicate. That can include social media. For all the bad that comes with it, there are many benefits if we choose to use it in the right way.

Snow and ice come at the most inconvenient times. I’m not sure what a convenient time would be, but since it’s another of those things I can’t control, I just have to accept it and shovel or chop.

People love to see their name in a printed newspaper. Last week, I spoke at the Seniors College at Alvernia University about the future of newspapers. During an interesting and engaging question-and-answer period, one woman asked if I planned to mention the group in my column.

I just did.

I’ve also learned that it never hurts to keep your readers happy.

Writing, reading and sharing

For almost 10 years, I wrote an Editor’s Notebook column that I allowed the Reading Eagle to publish each week in the Sunday newspaper. Since I retired two years ago, I’ve been writing and posting my columns – new ones and reruns – on my Retired Editor’s Notebook blog.

I continue writing because of the response from readers who share that they are encouraged, inspired and entertained by my columns.

So, if you are looking for something to do during this time of self-isolation because of the coronavirus pandemic, I invite you to read my columns and share the link with anyone who might enjoy them or find them helpful.

Stay safe.

https://retirededitorsnotebook.blogspot.com

Remember your life-shapers

Who shapes us? Who are the people who helped us to become who we are?

Several years ago, I started working on a column about the people who have had the greatest impact on my life. There’s always a risk when you make a list that you will omit someone. So I filed it away for a later time.

The list included people in my family, as you would expect. It also included some editors, a few writers, several teachers, a minister or two and friends. I already have written about many of them.

What’s true for all of us is that we are shaped by all of those around us, many times in a positive way, but also sometimes negatively. All of those relationships and interactions affect us, depending which influences we embrace and which ones we reject.

Those influencers helped me to establish my moral compass. They taught me compassion. They emphasized the importance of setting high standards and learning from failure. I learned that investment doesn’t apply only to finances, and that charity and tolerance have rewards for both the giver and the receiver.

And so much more.

How often do we share with those life-shapers what they mean to us?

Recently I called and talked to someone I haven’t seen or talked to in 50 years. Someone who unknowingly had a bigger impact on my life than she ever knew. She does now.

Her name is Dorothy Davis. She was Mrs. Davis to me, and she was my English teacher when I was a senior in high school. She was tough, and I’m thankful for that.

That year, exactly 50 years ago, she forced her students to write a term paper. A full-blown, college-type term paper. We were seniors nearing the end of our high school careers. At the time, she wasn’t popular with some of her students. A year later, I understood how much she had done for me.

As a college freshman, I was assigned term papers. While some others struggled, I already had a game plan, thanks to Mrs. Davis.

It was more than how to write a term paper. I learned organization. I learned about finding facts and how to do research. I learned accountability and credibility. And time management.

All of those skills didn’t come from Mrs. Davis alone, but she played a big part.

Several months ago, I saw a name I recognized on a Facebook group page from my hometown. I thought it might be the son of Mrs. Davis, so I reached out to him. After a few exchanges, he sent her phone number to me.

She is 87 now, just a few years younger than my parents, but she remembered me. We talked for about 10 minutes, and she was so happy to know how much her teaching had influenced my life at a time when I was learning to be a writer. 

It would have been so easy not to make that call, but both of us hung up that day knowing how much others can mean to us.

Thanks to her, and to so many others, I went on to a career as a writer and editor. Now she knows.

If there is someone who has made a difference in your life, let that person know. It’s worth the effort. It will mean the world to that person. It may mean the world to you, also.

Although I won’t list them here by name, I appreciate every person who had an influence on me. They helped me to become the person I am today. For that, they deserve the credit and the blame.

Time to rebuild families

I have been working on this column about the decline of families. If there is one positive thing about the COVID-19 pandemic, the forced isolation from the rest of the world may give us time to rebuild family relationships – if we can put down our smartphones for a few hours. Here’s the finished column, mostly pre-coronavirus.

Families are changing and not for the better. 

We spend less quality time together. 

We pay less attention to God and church. We’ve taken God out of too many things and places in our society. 

We communicate less, with the exception of through our electronic devices.

We spend more than we have on more than we can afford. 

We get angry and hold grudges. 

We also ignore our communities where our families live. Charities and non-profits are struggling, not only for financial support, but also for donations of time.

People show little interest in local government until they have a personal issue or a need. Many of us don’t vote in elections. Few of us attend municipal meetings. And now, with the decline and demise of local newspapers because of lack of support from families, who will be there to monitor local government officials and hold them accountable?

So sad. So frightening.

Some people may disagree, and there are exceptions, but if we’re honest with ourselves, much of that is true.

Not too many years ago, some people were born, raised and died in the same house. Many more were born, raised and died in the same community. When I was a boy, we attended church together every Sunday, then our family gathered at my grandparents’ house for dinner. Every Sunday. We made time for picnics and family reunions, where we would spend time with relatives we didn’t see often enough.

In the last 50 years many members of most families have scattered across the country or around the world. Although technology has allowed us to keep in contact, we still have to find the time and the desire to do that. And that technology can’t replace the feelings with face-to-face interaction.

So many things in our lives can have negative impacts on our families, if we allow them, such as:

■ Disease

When there is long-term illness in a family, it can lead to stress. Who provides the care for the ailing loved one? Who provides support for the primary caregiver? Who is willing to sacrifice time and resources to help a close relative who might have done so much for them?

■ Death

Families change drastically when a member dies. Sometimes we don’t realize how much the lost member did to hold the family together. For some survivors, it’s nearly impossible to accept the loss and focus on life that remains.

■ Divorce

The breakup of a relationship can be almost as bad as death for those left behind. It’s especially true when children are involved. 

■ Distance

When members of families move away, especially far away, it can cause hurt and loneliness. The emptiness can be similar to what is felt through death, especially if there is a sharp contrast from constant to occasional interaction.

■ Additions

It’s not only the losses that change our families. It also can be the additions. New family members through marriage or birth often change the dynamics of families and can alter relationships. For various reasons, some family members don’t fully accept new members, and some new members aren’t able or don’t want to be part of the family unit. Those problems can harm existing family relationships.

■ Distractions

Many people today live with a constant connection to smart phones. They sit together in restaurants with their eyes fixed on the screen. They walk and drive while looking at their electronic device. It’s the first thing they check in the morning and the last thing at night.

Those devices and the internet have put so much information at our fingertips, but they also have taken us out of touch with those around us.

■ Disagreements

Families did have conflicts years ago, but I believe there was more effort to resolve their differences. Many elders in families insisted that happen, and most others in the family respected and listened to those elders. If I sound like a frustrated old man, I accept that.

Those things always have been threats to families to some degree, but years ago strong family bonds forged by time together helped families work through them. Together.

I’m concerned about where all of this will take us. What is more important than the time you spend with those who are special in your life? What will have mattered more after you are gone from this world?

One of the most important columns I’ve written, in 2014, was “Let’s eulogize people while they’re living.” Almost everyone finds time for a funeral, but we should make time for that person’s life. That hasn’t changed.

So what can we do about all of this?

Here are 10 starters for reestablishing our families:

■ Take walks together.

■ Eat meals together.

■ Watch movies together.

■ Put puzzles together, together.

■ Work in the garden together.

■ Do a deep clean of the house together.

■ Get outside and play catch (“Have a catch” as was said in the film “Field of Dreams”).

■ Sit and talk about family history.

■ Sort through old family photos and share stories and memories of family members.

■ Take time to call and talk with those who aren’t near.

Maybe those steps won’t solve all of our problems, but they certainly will be a good beginning.

Out of the mouths of babes ...

Looking back at some of the columns I've written about my family brings cherished memories to me. Here's a special one from 2015.

Kids say the darnedest things. For those old enough to remember, Art Linkletter proved that in a feature by that name on his radio and then television show, “Art Linkletter’s House Party,” which aired in the 1940s, ’50s and ’60s. He would interview a panel of young children, ask them questions and let them talk.

Things haven’t changed. Only, now for me, grandchildren say the darnedest things.

When I was a young child, my mother kept what we called a baby book on each of her children. It was a collection of milestones, such as first food, word, steps and lost tooth. It included names of other family members and photos of early birthdays. There was a record of special words and phrases, too.

I don’t believe as many young parents do that these days. But they do record their children’s early years through Facebook, where their lives and milestones are shared in real time with family and friends.

It’s different, but no less special.

For the past 10 years, we have enjoyed not only the daily photos and accomplishments of our grandchildren, but also some of the humorous comments they make, which, thanks to smartphones, are documented before they are forgotten.

I’m sure you have a collection of your own. Here are some of my favorites from my granddaughters and grandsons.

•••

Daughter, after listening to grandson (age 3) talk for an hour: You talk a lot.

Grandson: Yeah, I have a lot of words.

•••

Granddaughter (5): Papa, when I grow up I’m going to be a mommy.

Me: That’s nice. How many children are you going to have?

Granddaughter: Whatever God gives me.

Me: (speechless).

•••

Me: We need to clean up this place and keep it neat.

Granddaughter (6): I’m an artist, and artists are messy.

•••

 I was sitting next to my 6-year-old granddaughter and doing some work on my iPad when she wanted to be held: “Papa, is there a password for this arm?” And before I could recover from that one: “Papa, is there a password to turn off your computer?” Obviously there was, and she found it.

•••

Daughter: No, you can’t do that. It’s for grown-ups.

Granddaughter (3): Not Daddy?

•••

Granddaughter (6) was staying with us for several weeks during the summer. As we were taking her to stay with her other grandparents for a few days:

Me: Now remember to listen and use your manners.

Granddaughter: Why?

•••

We stopped to eat at a restaurant, and there was a little boy crying.

Me: That sounds like your brother.

Granddaughter (6): No, he cries bigger than that.

•••

Conversation in a store:

Granddaughter (6): Papa, will you buy that for me?

Me: We can’t get it today.

She looks up with sad brown eyes and sticks out her lower lip.

Me: That won’t work.

Granddaughter: It always did before.

•••

Granddaughter (6): Mommy, I hope I don’t lose my sweet tooth … because if I do, everything I eat will taste like ketchup, and I don’t like ketchup.

•••

Granddaughter (6), while watching football: I don’t want to root for the team with zero points … so I’ll pick the one with more.

•••

Daughter: You have to listen when Mommy tells you to do something.

Granddaughter (3), wearing a Little Mermaid costume: I’m a princess.

Daughter: Well, even princesses have to listen to the queen … and I’m the queen.

•••

Granddaughter (age 7): Papa, daddy has a hundred dollar bill.

Me: Wow, he must be rich.

Granddaughter: He hides it from mommy because she likes to spend.

•••

Daughter: Grandson (5) is now wearing his hockey helmet and walking around banging his head on various things to see if it hurts. Seriously. Boys.

•••

Daughter: You know it’s a good birthday when the new 7-year-old whispers as you tuck him into bed, “This was the best day ever.”

•••

Son: You need to eat your dinner.

Grandson (2): No, no, nope.

Son: Wrong answer. You need to eat.

Grandson: Well, that’s not going to happen.

•••

Granddaughter (5): I can’t sleep because my hair hurts … this one right here.

Daughter starts laughing, and granddaughter turns and walks quietly back to bed.

•••

Daughter-in-law: I just told you I didn’t want you opening up that drawer. That is a no-no.

Grandson (3) Mommy, that’s a yes-yes.

•••

Daughter: Stop whining.

Granddaughter (6): I can’t. That’s how God made me.

•••

Grandson (8): I don’t like giraffes. Want to know why?

Daughter: Sure.

Grandson: Because they pick their noses with their tongues. That’s gross!

•••

Daughter: I can’t wait for you to go to bed.

Granddaughter (6): I can’t wait for me to go to bed too.

•••

Grandson opening a present on his eighth birthday: I wanted this. What is it?

•••

Son: I don’t know the answer to this trivia question (reads question and possible answers out loud).

Grandson: Ummm … Daddy, I’m only 3.