I hope this worldwide health crisis will give a new emphasis and meaning to a question many of us often ask without really expecting an answer: “How are you?”
Our real concern about others in recent months has us asking about their health and well-being. In this difficult time of social distancing – and especially when the restrictions caused by the coronavirus pandemic have been eased – if you’re going to ask how someone is doing, really mean it. And then expect and pay attention to a genuine answer.
Here is a column I wrote nine years ago, when “How are you?” was a substitute for “Hello” for too many people.
The exchange goes much like this:
“Hello.”
Hi.
“How’re you doing?”
Fine. How are you?
“Fine.”
Perhaps it should continue:
That’s good.
“That’s good that it’s good.”
Etc.
It’s all with good intentions. But that sample conversation is among my pet peeves.
Many times, that exchange takes place when people are passing each other, sometimes without stopping. Sometimes it takes place without the thought of what is being said, or without even an interest.
If you’re going to ask that question — How are you? — do it because you want to know and are willing to wait for an honest answer.
Don’t ask it in passing or while looking away. If you ask the question, stop and expect a real answer. Otherwise, just stop at hello.
A woman who used to work for our company always would ask how I was doing when we would meet. Because she is a sweet person and someone with a good sense of humor, one time I responded to her question with a question: Do you really want to know?
And she genuinely did.
I explained to her my annoyance with people asking how someone is doing but not really wanting to know the answer. After that, “How’re you doing?” always was accompanied by an exchange of smiles and sometimes with genuine answers.
Don’t misunderstand: I think it’s great when people are interested in how others are feeling or how their day is going. But the question shouldn’t be a passing greeting.
I enjoyed the beer company commercial that aired a few years ago. An out-of-towner walks into a bar, and the others there greet him in a New Jersey accent, “How you doin’?” And much to their amazement, he responds, “Well thanks for askin’. I’m doin’ fine. Just got in today, my brother-in-law picked me up at the airport. …”
It was amusing because of their reaction to his answer. But also because it was so real. We can see ourselves in that conversation and the surprise that someone would actually answer a question from which we didn’t expect an answer.
The sad part is, it’s a breakdown in our society. We want to give the impression we’re interested, even if that’s not entirely true.
So the exchange becomes so rote that it’s tiring. We go through the motions.
The fault isn’t just with the person asking the disinterested question. It’s also with the person who answers.
Many times, we don’t want to burden others with our problems or concerns. So, “fine” is a safe answer. They don’t really need to know that I’m having a bad day, that I’m in pain or just had an argument with someone.
Although it’s not related to this subject, I’m reminded of a line Rod McKuen wrote in a poem “The Art of Catching Trains”: “Everybody has the answers or they’ll make them up for you. Just once I’d like to hear a brand-new question.”
I’d like to hear a question such as, “How is your day going? — I’m really interested.”
And then I’d like to hear a real answer.
So don’t stop asking the question, “How’re you doing?” When you ask it, mean it.
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