Time to rebuild families

I have been working on this column about the decline of families. If there is one positive thing about the COVID-19 pandemic, the forced isolation from the rest of the world may give us time to rebuild family relationships – if we can put down our smartphones for a few hours. Here’s the finished column, mostly pre-coronavirus.

Families are changing and not for the better. 

We spend less quality time together. 

We pay less attention to God and church. We’ve taken God out of too many things and places in our society. 

We communicate less, with the exception of through our electronic devices.

We spend more than we have on more than we can afford. 

We get angry and hold grudges. 

We also ignore our communities where our families live. Charities and non-profits are struggling, not only for financial support, but also for donations of time.

People show little interest in local government until they have a personal issue or a need. Many of us don’t vote in elections. Few of us attend municipal meetings. And now, with the decline and demise of local newspapers because of lack of support from families, who will be there to monitor local government officials and hold them accountable?

So sad. So frightening.

Some people may disagree, and there are exceptions, but if we’re honest with ourselves, much of that is true.

Not too many years ago, some people were born, raised and died in the same house. Many more were born, raised and died in the same community. When I was a boy, we attended church together every Sunday, then our family gathered at my grandparents’ house for dinner. Every Sunday. We made time for picnics and family reunions, where we would spend time with relatives we didn’t see often enough.

In the last 50 years many members of most families have scattered across the country or around the world. Although technology has allowed us to keep in contact, we still have to find the time and the desire to do that. And that technology can’t replace the feelings with face-to-face interaction.

So many things in our lives can have negative impacts on our families, if we allow them, such as:

■ Disease

When there is long-term illness in a family, it can lead to stress. Who provides the care for the ailing loved one? Who provides support for the primary caregiver? Who is willing to sacrifice time and resources to help a close relative who might have done so much for them?

■ Death

Families change drastically when a member dies. Sometimes we don’t realize how much the lost member did to hold the family together. For some survivors, it’s nearly impossible to accept the loss and focus on life that remains.

■ Divorce

The breakup of a relationship can be almost as bad as death for those left behind. It’s especially true when children are involved. 

■ Distance

When members of families move away, especially far away, it can cause hurt and loneliness. The emptiness can be similar to what is felt through death, especially if there is a sharp contrast from constant to occasional interaction.

■ Additions

It’s not only the losses that change our families. It also can be the additions. New family members through marriage or birth often change the dynamics of families and can alter relationships. For various reasons, some family members don’t fully accept new members, and some new members aren’t able or don’t want to be part of the family unit. Those problems can harm existing family relationships.

■ Distractions

Many people today live with a constant connection to smart phones. They sit together in restaurants with their eyes fixed on the screen. They walk and drive while looking at their electronic device. It’s the first thing they check in the morning and the last thing at night.

Those devices and the internet have put so much information at our fingertips, but they also have taken us out of touch with those around us.

■ Disagreements

Families did have conflicts years ago, but I believe there was more effort to resolve their differences. Many elders in families insisted that happen, and most others in the family respected and listened to those elders. If I sound like a frustrated old man, I accept that.

Those things always have been threats to families to some degree, but years ago strong family bonds forged by time together helped families work through them. Together.

I’m concerned about where all of this will take us. What is more important than the time you spend with those who are special in your life? What will have mattered more after you are gone from this world?

One of the most important columns I’ve written, in 2014, was “Let’s eulogize people while they’re living.” Almost everyone finds time for a funeral, but we should make time for that person’s life. That hasn’t changed.

So what can we do about all of this?

Here are 10 starters for reestablishing our families:

■ Take walks together.

■ Eat meals together.

■ Watch movies together.

■ Put puzzles together, together.

■ Work in the garden together.

■ Do a deep clean of the house together.

■ Get outside and play catch (“Have a catch” as was said in the film “Field of Dreams”).

■ Sit and talk about family history.

■ Sort through old family photos and share stories and memories of family members.

■ Take time to call and talk with those who aren’t near.

Maybe those steps won’t solve all of our problems, but they certainly will be a good beginning.