It's difficult to fix your role as a fixer

This is another older column that I needed to reread this week to remind myself about dealing with things that are beyond my control. I originally shared it on Sept. 13, 2015, the Sunday before my first wife died after a six-year battle with a series of illnesses. I hope it also helps others in some way.

I’m a fixer. It isn’t a choice. It’s a role into which I was thrust, and it’s all but impossible to escape. Others expect it of me. I’ve grown to accept it. That doesn’t mean I always like it.

For many years it’s been my role in my family. I can’t recall when it started, but gradually the burden was placed on my shoulders. For many of us, we become fixers when we become parents, but some of us are more intense fixers than others are.

People come to expect fixers to fix things. Often they don’t consider all of their options and try to address the problems themselves. Why should they when there’s a fixer to whom they can turn for help?

I don’t always resent being a fixer. There is some satisfaction in it. When you are successful, you know you have helped someone. You may have improved that person’s life or helped him to avert some trouble or pain.

Fixers also have the security of knowing they are needed. You will always have a special place in others’ lives if they know they can turn to you in times of confusion, uncertainty or trouble.

A fixer can’t fix everything. A fixer also doesn’t have to know everything. It helps to know a little bit about a lot of things, but the key to being a fixer is giving the impression that you are able to fix things. Of course, once you become a fixer there’s a certain reputation that you must maintain. If you admit your weakness, others may no longer turn to you for help. What good is a fixer who can’t fix?

A good fixer also shows confidence when faced with a new challenge. If he doesn’t know what to do, he is able to fake it enough until he can work through the problem. A good example is home repairs. Many people can learn the basic skills. Once they do, the seed of another fixer has been planted. As the level of repairs increases, so does the fixer’s confidence and reputation.

Another good example is in finances. If people see you are doing well, it makes sense to turn to you for advice and direction.

Some fixers settle into this role because others view us as self-reliant. Part of it may be driven by pride and stubbornness. We don’t want to appear incapable. Or we may not want to be indebted to others. So we handle things ourselves. As we continue to do that, our role as a fixer grows.

The biggest problem for fixers is that they may take on too many problems and burdens that belong to others. It becomes difficult for fixers to say no to requests. Then those problems and burdens become our own.

With each challenge, there is a risk. Because others believe fixers can fix anything, fixers begin to believe that too. Most longtime fixers have trouble accepting what is unfixable. As a result, many fixers live with stress.

Fixers do grow weary. Although it’s difficult to believe, fixers also have their own problems to fix. We can become overwhelmed when we are struggling with our own issues and then are asked to turn our attention to the problems of others.

Sometimes fixers are reluctant to turn to others for help. Because we are fixers, we also grow to believe we are the ones who should fix things. It’s expected. If we let others or ourselves down, who would fix that? Who could?

Lately, I’ve experienced some things in my life that I can’t fix. They are things out of my control. That is difficult for a fixer to admit. In a way, it’s abandoning a primary role.

As I’ve worked through these challenges, I’ve learned that it’s also important for fixers to at least try to be realistic and admit when something is beyond their ability to fix it.

Sometimes it’s not a matter of fixing things. Sometimes it’s just a matter of accepting them. That realization in itself is how a fixer comes to understand he has somehow fixed what can’t be fixed.

Now that I’ve addressed that, it’s on to the next problem that needs fixing.