Putting sadness in perspective

I want to be happy every minute of every day. Sadly, that’s not realistic. So I seek a little happiness where I can find it.

Who among us has never experienced sadness?

Sadness is a part of life.

If not for sadness, how would we clearly define and understand happiness? It’s important, however, not to allow sadness to overwhelm us. Sadness should not dominate or define our life.

Sadness sometimes results from our specific expectations in life. We want things to be perfect. At least we hope to have things our own way. Life doesn’t work that way, and as much as we can do things to set a direction for our life, there is so much that is beyond our control. Too often, instead of accepting that, we allow sadness to take over.

Among the many reasons for sadness are loss, disappointment, conflict and loneliness.

Sadness is most obvious during grieving. We expect those close to us to always be here, even though we know that life in this world eventually ends for all of us.

Some of our sadness may be the result of regrets. Why wasn’t I nicer to him? Why didn’t I spend more time with her? Why didn’t I make a different decision? Why didn’t I try harder? There is nothing we can do to change the past, but we can learn from our experiences and influence our future.

We could avoid experiencing those losses and disappointments by avoiding relationships and actions, but then we would miss out on the joys and memories that are part of time we spend with others and our experiences. And then our sadness results from isolation and loneliness.

Loneliness can be a bottomless pit. The longer we experience it, the more difficult it becomes to escape it. Then it becomes easier to stop trying and let our depression grow.

Sometimes we feel helpless and are frustrated by our inability to resolve conflicts. Neither side wants to give in. It may be a stubborn fear of losing the battle, a refusal to forgive a wrong against us, or reluctance to risk being hurt again. Instead we sacrifice the happiness that we wanted all along.

And who among us hasn’t experienced the sadness that results from disappointment when we don’t accomplish the goals we set? When we aren’t accepted, recognized or appreciated. When the plans we made fall through. Or when we can’t acquire the things we want. 

All the sadness that enters our lives, and which we sometimes allow to overwhelm us, can lead to severe depression. If we allow it to continue, the darkness grows, and so does the pain.

Life isn’t perfect. Man changed that soon after creation. Our definition and view of perfection in the world is determined by whose standards and perceptions are used in that judgment.

When we accept that happiness and sadness do and must co-exist, then we can tolerate sadness and enjoy happiness.

There is a risk in everything we do. If we don’t take the chance of swinging a baseball bat, we can’t get a hit. If we don’t step out of our door, we can’t experience the beauty in the world. If we don’t take a chance on friendship and love, we’ll never know the joy they can bring to our lives.

Amanda McBroom’s song, “The Rose,” made famous by Bette Midler, expressed it well:

“It’s the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.

“It’s the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance.

“It’s the one who won’t be taken, who cannot seem to give,

“And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.”

I have written about happiness numerous times. My assessment has been that “our happiness often depends on perspective,” and we need to stop counting our sorrows and start counting our blessings. I’ve written that “the secret to finding happiness” is to focus on good things instead of allowing negatives to weigh you down, and to share your happiness with others. Finally, I really believe that “true happiness comes when we choose happiness.”

We need to acknowledge and accept that sadness is a part of life, but we should not allow it to become our life.

Perhaps we’d be better off if we looked at sadness as an experience along our journey to happiness. At least that’s how I’m trying to approach it these days.

It's difficult to fix your role as a fixer

This is another older column that I needed to reread this week to remind myself about dealing with things that are beyond my control. I originally shared it on Sept. 13, 2015, the Sunday before my first wife died after a six-year battle with a series of illnesses. I hope it also helps others in some way.

I’m a fixer. It isn’t a choice. It’s a role into which I was thrust, and it’s all but impossible to escape. Others expect it of me. I’ve grown to accept it. That doesn’t mean I always like it.

For many years it’s been my role in my family. I can’t recall when it started, but gradually the burden was placed on my shoulders. For many of us, we become fixers when we become parents, but some of us are more intense fixers than others are.

People come to expect fixers to fix things. Often they don’t consider all of their options and try to address the problems themselves. Why should they when there’s a fixer to whom they can turn for help?

I don’t always resent being a fixer. There is some satisfaction in it. When you are successful, you know you have helped someone. You may have improved that person’s life or helped him to avert some trouble or pain.

Fixers also have the security of knowing they are needed. You will always have a special place in others’ lives if they know they can turn to you in times of confusion, uncertainty or trouble.

A fixer can’t fix everything. A fixer also doesn’t have to know everything. It helps to know a little bit about a lot of things, but the key to being a fixer is giving the impression that you are able to fix things. Of course, once you become a fixer there’s a certain reputation that you must maintain. If you admit your weakness, others may no longer turn to you for help. What good is a fixer who can’t fix?

A good fixer also shows confidence when faced with a new challenge. If he doesn’t know what to do, he is able to fake it enough until he can work through the problem. A good example is home repairs. Many people can learn the basic skills. Once they do, the seed of another fixer has been planted. As the level of repairs increases, so does the fixer’s confidence and reputation.

Another good example is in finances. If people see you are doing well, it makes sense to turn to you for advice and direction.

Some fixers settle into this role because others view us as self-reliant. Part of it may be driven by pride and stubbornness. We don’t want to appear incapable. Or we may not want to be indebted to others. So we handle things ourselves. As we continue to do that, our role as a fixer grows.

The biggest problem for fixers is that they may take on too many problems and burdens that belong to others. It becomes difficult for fixers to say no to requests. Then those problems and burdens become our own.

With each challenge, there is a risk. Because others believe fixers can fix anything, fixers begin to believe that too. Most longtime fixers have trouble accepting what is unfixable. As a result, many fixers live with stress.

Fixers do grow weary. Although it’s difficult to believe, fixers also have their own problems to fix. We can become overwhelmed when we are struggling with our own issues and then are asked to turn our attention to the problems of others.

Sometimes fixers are reluctant to turn to others for help. Because we are fixers, we also grow to believe we are the ones who should fix things. It’s expected. If we let others or ourselves down, who would fix that? Who could?

Lately, I’ve experienced some things in my life that I can’t fix. They are things out of my control. That is difficult for a fixer to admit. In a way, it’s abandoning a primary role.

As I’ve worked through these challenges, I’ve learned that it’s also important for fixers to at least try to be realistic and admit when something is beyond their ability to fix it.

Sometimes it’s not a matter of fixing things. Sometimes it’s just a matter of accepting them. That realization in itself is how a fixer comes to understand he has somehow fixed what can’t be fixed.

Now that I’ve addressed that, it’s on to the next problem that needs fixing.